Fears

Ok, so this is going to be a strange first post because it's not really going to explain myself or tell anything about me but since this blog is titled "My crazyness on Paper", I feel it fits.

After transferring over from myspace, I've decided to share one of my non-posts/posts. Awhile ago I wrote a blog about fears but never published it. I was worried that someone might get concerned about my words and not understand that this blank post space is a sort of diary for me and once put down, helps me understand and deal with complicated feelings and matters. The post was about fears; about what I was scared of.

To put it simply: I'm afraid of people leaving. I'm afraid of what happens when people leave me. Of how I feel and what I think. Never more present was this fear than recently when I came face-to-face with it. At first, I thought it was jealousy but it wasn't. I was simply afraid of being left.

Now, I understand that people move on, life happens, and things change. I just don't understand why that means that people leave. I don't understand how some people can move on so quickly and seem to forget others. I don't understan why leaving me seems so easy.

I lost my bestfriend a couple years ago, and I'm still dealing with that. I don't know if I'll ever really understand or be ok with it, but there's nothing I can do about it. The people who I hold dear are precious to me but I'm scared that they'll leave. Be it physically or emotionally, I don't want to be left. Sometimes I feel like people are always leaving me. Sometimes I feel like all I have is me....and I hate that.

And then I think that it's me. That maybe I did something or said something, or didn't do something or didn't say something. Maybe I deserve to be left. Maybe this is karma or something like that.

I've never been the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest person...but I never claimed to be. I know that I'm stubborn, short, and can be a bitch. Does that mean people leave? Are THOSE the reasons? I have faults, sure, but who doesn't? I try to be a good person and be considerate and nice. I try to think of my friends and family and love them as best I can. I don't try to make people leave...I don't think. Why then? Why do they leave? And why am I so scared that they will?