I find Feb. to be a hard month for me. In highschool, I referred to it as "the Bad Month"; a month where anything that could go wrong would. I still feel that sense of dread around the end of Jan. Part of it stems from the fact that growing up in the Midwest, Feb. is a very grey, morose, dreary month. It's usually a little to warm to snow, but not sunny enough to shine. The world is grey and everyone is waiting for spring and flowers and life to come.
In California, Feb. is different. Right now it's in the 70s, sunny, and like June in OH. That doesn't mean my feelings for this month have changed thought. It's effect on my is indifferent. The dread of events and feelings hold tight through all 28/29 days.
In highschool, I remember during this one month I got tendonitis, broke up with my boyfriend, and almost got a ticket. After college, during Feb. my ex-bf had his new gf and decided that we couldn't be friends anymore. Last year was by far the worst events for Feb., but I'm too weak and still heartbroken to get into them.
The fact that Valentine's Day is during this month is some sort of cruel, twisted, cosmic joke really. More people are alone, or in a bad relationship, than are in a healthy, stable, committed union. It's one day out of the year that you want someone to care about you, and if you don't have anyone like that then the reality that you may never sinks in deeper. It's stupid, and everyone knows it. If you love someone, one day shouldn't matter. You shouldn't have to give them flowers or candy or go to dinner just because Hallmark demands it. If you are not loved, the emptiness of watching couples, old and young, of looking down at your own hand not intertwined with anyone else's...can be more than you can handle. Maybe this is why this holiday is in Feb.; because it's part of the bad month.
Of course I've had boyfriends for Valentine's Day, but never liked the holiday even then. It all wraps up into this month that makes me very scared. I try to race through the month with friends and family member's birthdays...and there are a lot of them. My mom, best friend's, and most of my boyfriend's birthdays have all been in Feb. Should I be taking this as a sign? And if so, what is it trying to tell me? I have no clue, but very much like the groundhog...I just wanna crawl back into my hole and wait for spring.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
WTF
I've been thinking recently...mostly because I watched Grey's Anatomy last night...but whatever:
Why are we really the only species who care about each other for our entire lives? If you think about other animals, they don't seem to mind being seperated from their parents. You typically take a puppy away from it's mom when it's like 2months old. They don't seem to remember or be sad. What biological, or psychological, thing makes us need people? And then, when they leave, what makes it so hard for us?
It's not fiar that we love so much only to have it taken away. It's not fair that when people leave or pass away that our brains remember the way they smelled, or laughed, or said our name. Why do we feel that someone else "completes" us? What good does it do the human race to be so connected to someone that when they die we feel as though we've died? How does it make sense that no matter how old we may be we will always need our mom and dad? How does that help humans survive? Why is it that crying is something that, yes other animals to it do but not to the extent we do, is part of life and death? How has evolution made us better than other animals and yet it has come with the price of feelings and emotions? Why do we even have feelings and emotions? They don't serve any purpose to living or surviving really.
Yes, we are pack animals and used to being in herds so yes we seek groups. But, no one ever figured out why when group members leave...we can never truly replace them. I mean, it's mean when you think about it.
Death is a part of life...but without any attachment or emotions it would just be a thing that happens. That's not how it is though. There's a reason there are stages of grief. It's because it's complex and our brains and bodies can't deal with the fact that we've been separated from someone.
The feeling of having your heart broken; of being torn...well, there's just no logical reason that we should be able to have those emotions. They serve no function. They have no reason to being alive. And yet, I feel them everyday. I feel scared every day. I feel joy and love everyday. And I also feel broken and sad every day. And no one can tell me why.
Psychology may not be a physical science. You can't hold it or put it in a test tube and light it on fire to see what color it turns. It's a social science because it's not supposed to be there. The earth, and all it's creatures don't need to analyze conversations and feelings. But we do for some reason. For some reason, we are all crazy. We have the crazy need to be connected to each other, even though our physical well-being gets no benefit from it. Yes, we need to procreate and it's a natural urge to reproduce to keep the human race going. But, why do we stay? Why are my grandparents married for over 50 some years? It's because they love each other. It makes no sense and they're crazy...but it's what everyone wants to be. We are all crazy.
Which leads me to my next question. If this is both our blessing and our curse, did it come from God or the devil? The ability to love and be loved definitely sounds pretty Goddy, but the ability to feel empty, lonely, and broken sounds kinda like the evil one's doings. I don't know myself...I'm just saying...why?
Why are we really the only species who care about each other for our entire lives? If you think about other animals, they don't seem to mind being seperated from their parents. You typically take a puppy away from it's mom when it's like 2months old. They don't seem to remember or be sad. What biological, or psychological, thing makes us need people? And then, when they leave, what makes it so hard for us?
It's not fiar that we love so much only to have it taken away. It's not fair that when people leave or pass away that our brains remember the way they smelled, or laughed, or said our name. Why do we feel that someone else "completes" us? What good does it do the human race to be so connected to someone that when they die we feel as though we've died? How does it make sense that no matter how old we may be we will always need our mom and dad? How does that help humans survive? Why is it that crying is something that, yes other animals to it do but not to the extent we do, is part of life and death? How has evolution made us better than other animals and yet it has come with the price of feelings and emotions? Why do we even have feelings and emotions? They don't serve any purpose to living or surviving really.
Yes, we are pack animals and used to being in herds so yes we seek groups. But, no one ever figured out why when group members leave...we can never truly replace them. I mean, it's mean when you think about it.
Death is a part of life...but without any attachment or emotions it would just be a thing that happens. That's not how it is though. There's a reason there are stages of grief. It's because it's complex and our brains and bodies can't deal with the fact that we've been separated from someone.
The feeling of having your heart broken; of being torn...well, there's just no logical reason that we should be able to have those emotions. They serve no function. They have no reason to being alive. And yet, I feel them everyday. I feel scared every day. I feel joy and love everyday. And I also feel broken and sad every day. And no one can tell me why.
Psychology may not be a physical science. You can't hold it or put it in a test tube and light it on fire to see what color it turns. It's a social science because it's not supposed to be there. The earth, and all it's creatures don't need to analyze conversations and feelings. But we do for some reason. For some reason, we are all crazy. We have the crazy need to be connected to each other, even though our physical well-being gets no benefit from it. Yes, we need to procreate and it's a natural urge to reproduce to keep the human race going. But, why do we stay? Why are my grandparents married for over 50 some years? It's because they love each other. It makes no sense and they're crazy...but it's what everyone wants to be. We are all crazy.
Which leads me to my next question. If this is both our blessing and our curse, did it come from God or the devil? The ability to love and be loved definitely sounds pretty Goddy, but the ability to feel empty, lonely, and broken sounds kinda like the evil one's doings. I don't know myself...I'm just saying...why?
Monday, December 15, 2008
That Christmas Feeling
Its coming on christmas
Theyre cutting down trees
Theyre putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on
But it dont snow here
It stays pretty green
Im going to make a lot of money
Then Im going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry
He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
Im so hard to handle
Im selfish and Im sad
Now Ive gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Missing
I'm not sure if I've talked about Mystery on this thing. I just can't recall, but he's the guy who I dated for a couple years, who I moved to LA for, and who broke my heart. It wasn't all his fault I know, but it still broke all the same. We wanted different things blah blah...the usual. And I don't miss the relationship. I mean, I wouldn't get back together with him...not even after all this time. We still want different thing.
I do miss the friendship though. I do miss the love. Now, I could rattle on and on about the things I don't miss with Mystery and trust me the list would be long, but he was my best friend and if his feelings were real, which I hope they were since mine were, then it was great. It's been a long time we've been apart now. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime considering everything I've been thru since then. But, as I was saying, I don't want to be with him. I don't miss being in a relationship with him...I miss the warmth he gave me.
I miss having someone to love and someone who loves me. A lot of people want to be in relationships for different reasons. They want security, they want someone so they won't be alone, they want someone to fix their toilet when it breaks. I like to think I've never wanted to be with someone for those reasons. I want to be with someone because I want to share myself with someone. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be that intertwined with someone. To know what someone else is thinking. To care about someone else before yourself. To put someone else first; not out of fear but out of caring.
I miss knowing that to someone else I'm important. It's different with your family. Of course I know my family thinks I'm important to them, but they're the best family in the world so that's a given. I mean, to just one person on the whole entire planet, your specific happiness is what matters all the time. Yes, once again my parents would say my happiness is what matters to them all the time, but to anyone who knows what I'm talking about...you know what I mean.
I don't know anymore. I don't miss Mystery...I don't really. I don't try and talk to him because I don't see the point. The past is the past, right? All I'm saying, is that what I want is to feel that love again. Not with Mystery...but with someone else...and maybe it'll even be better becasue maybe the next person won't be such a doucebag like Mystery was.
I do miss the friendship though. I do miss the love. Now, I could rattle on and on about the things I don't miss with Mystery and trust me the list would be long, but he was my best friend and if his feelings were real, which I hope they were since mine were, then it was great. It's been a long time we've been apart now. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime considering everything I've been thru since then. But, as I was saying, I don't want to be with him. I don't miss being in a relationship with him...I miss the warmth he gave me.
I miss having someone to love and someone who loves me. A lot of people want to be in relationships for different reasons. They want security, they want someone so they won't be alone, they want someone to fix their toilet when it breaks. I like to think I've never wanted to be with someone for those reasons. I want to be with someone because I want to share myself with someone. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be that intertwined with someone. To know what someone else is thinking. To care about someone else before yourself. To put someone else first; not out of fear but out of caring.
I miss knowing that to someone else I'm important. It's different with your family. Of course I know my family thinks I'm important to them, but they're the best family in the world so that's a given. I mean, to just one person on the whole entire planet, your specific happiness is what matters all the time. Yes, once again my parents would say my happiness is what matters to them all the time, but to anyone who knows what I'm talking about...you know what I mean.
I don't know anymore. I don't miss Mystery...I don't really. I don't try and talk to him because I don't see the point. The past is the past, right? All I'm saying, is that what I want is to feel that love again. Not with Mystery...but with someone else...and maybe it'll even be better becasue maybe the next person won't be such a doucebag like Mystery was.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Journey
Some say that life is a journey; it's not important where you started or where you going, but it's the journey that matters. Sometimes I think that the twists and turns of my life are just part of my journey. But then why does it seem like some others' journey is seemingly easier than mine? Why does it seem that the stops and bumps that I've had on my road are longer and bigger than some others?
I would love to be someone who appreciates the ride, but in all honesty...if it doesn't end up in a place I imagine being happy what's the point? I don't understand why people I knew in college are now married with kids, while I'm still single and looking for someone who will stay with me. Now, I don't necessarily want to be married at this exact place in my life, but it would be more than nice to have someone who at least thinks of growing old with me.
I see college friends who are now lawyers and doctors and happy because their lives are headed down a sure path. I see myself kicking rocks and shuffling my feet about what my career should be. Sometimes it feels like my journey isn't a line moving forward, but a circle that just leads me back to the same place.
Now, I know I should be grateful for all that I've had and have; and I am. It's just that without certain parts of my life being "fulfilled" I don't feel complete. I feel like a failure. I know I'm still young, and maybe it's just my female nature, but I think about what if I don't get married. I think about not having the chance to have a family. That is just something I can't accept about my journey. It's something I don't want to accept.
Why do others have it so easy? Why do some people get their dream walk and others don't? Some people's walk is made easier because someone is walking with them; helping them. Others walk alone. I don't think it's fair or right. Some people walk a broken road and some's are paved in gold. I would love to know where my journey will lead, but I know no one can say for certain. I'm trying to enjoy it as much I can, but I just worry I guess. I worry my journey will not lead me where I always thought and hoped I would go.
I would love to be someone who appreciates the ride, but in all honesty...if it doesn't end up in a place I imagine being happy what's the point? I don't understand why people I knew in college are now married with kids, while I'm still single and looking for someone who will stay with me. Now, I don't necessarily want to be married at this exact place in my life, but it would be more than nice to have someone who at least thinks of growing old with me.
I see college friends who are now lawyers and doctors and happy because their lives are headed down a sure path. I see myself kicking rocks and shuffling my feet about what my career should be. Sometimes it feels like my journey isn't a line moving forward, but a circle that just leads me back to the same place.
Now, I know I should be grateful for all that I've had and have; and I am. It's just that without certain parts of my life being "fulfilled" I don't feel complete. I feel like a failure. I know I'm still young, and maybe it's just my female nature, but I think about what if I don't get married. I think about not having the chance to have a family. That is just something I can't accept about my journey. It's something I don't want to accept.
Why do others have it so easy? Why do some people get their dream walk and others don't? Some people's walk is made easier because someone is walking with them; helping them. Others walk alone. I don't think it's fair or right. Some people walk a broken road and some's are paved in gold. I would love to know where my journey will lead, but I know no one can say for certain. I'm trying to enjoy it as much I can, but I just worry I guess. I worry my journey will not lead me where I always thought and hoped I would go.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Like or Not
I was out the other night with MA and some friends. I forget what we were talking about but MA goes "You know we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, right?" This is where I got pissy. I told him ya and why he was asking me that, because I was offended. I haven't been going around telling people we're dating. I wasn't being touchy/feely or clingy, so where did this come from? Well, we've been hanging around some new people and they have asked him.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tossing and Turning in My Head
I turned on the car radio this morning in search of the perfect song. Yesterday, I woke up with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in my head...a very hope filled song if I do say so. Today was different. I needed a song to weep with me but also make me feel better...a lot to ask from a 3 minute ode to pop culture.
I didn't sleep well last night. My head, which is directly connected to my heart, was uneasy. Neither could be settled. I kept waking up thinking I had forgotten to take my contacts out, brush my teeth, that people were sleeping over. What's the problem you ask.
Last night, I went out to dinner (hibachi) and then to a couple bars with my friends. By many accounts, I would consider myself Elaine: always the only girl in a group of funny guys, capable of dancing without caring who's watching, quirky, fun, and at times a bit neurotic. Last night was no exception. To make a long story short, this guy who will be referred to as MA, I felt started acting differently to me once his friend from work arrived at one of the bars we were at.
A little history of MA and me. It has been rocky and complicated, but it has also been fun and I'm attached to him in a way that is hard to explain. His friends are now my friends, his family has been my family since my real family is far away. He has been the cause of many tears, much headache and grief, but has also been there when I had no one. I always say he was there when I felt I was drowning...holding my head above water. He is the classic story of a boy who is just not ready to be in the kind of relationship I want...or any relationship at all really. We, therefore, are friends who hover over occasionally more.
Anyway, MA has told me that this co-worker is not a threat, but MA has been known to lie to me before and my insecurity with our lack-of-definition + endearment of him lead to an unsteady soul. I want to believe that he won't hurt me, but more than that I don't want him to hurt me. I don't want him to meet anyone and change our dynamic. I don't want to lose him.
I started thinking, maybe he wasn't acting differntly...maybe it was me. I will admit I had been drinking...but I had stopped and was not drunk at all. My insecurity does lead me to think, and probably act, differently though. I smile less, stare more. My inner detective starts going into hyperdrive noticing everything to the point that it even annoys me.
I struggle with what to do. Do I ignore it and trust? Do I confront and risk a fight that I would not win in any scenario?...as crazy never wins. Do I pull away from MA in general causing unthinkable, seemingly insurmountable amounts of pain but protecting my heart? Or do I let it be and trust that even if he doesn't want to be WITH me, he cares enough about me to not drop me from his life? Which fear/reality is worse? Can I handle it? I just don't know.
Me: 0 Fear: 1
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