Some say that life is a journey; it's not important where you started or where you going, but it's the journey that matters. Sometimes I think that the twists and turns of my life are just part of my journey. But then why does it seem like some others' journey is seemingly easier than mine? Why does it seem that the stops and bumps that I've had on my road are longer and bigger than some others?
I would love to be someone who appreciates the ride, but in all honesty...if it doesn't end up in a place I imagine being happy what's the point? I don't understand why people I knew in college are now married with kids, while I'm still single and looking for someone who will stay with me. Now, I don't necessarily want to be married at this exact place in my life, but it would be more than nice to have someone who at least thinks of growing old with me.
I see college friends who are now lawyers and doctors and happy because their lives are headed down a sure path. I see myself kicking rocks and shuffling my feet about what my career should be. Sometimes it feels like my journey isn't a line moving forward, but a circle that just leads me back to the same place.
Now, I know I should be grateful for all that I've had and have; and I am. It's just that without certain parts of my life being "fulfilled" I don't feel complete. I feel like a failure. I know I'm still young, and maybe it's just my female nature, but I think about what if I don't get married. I think about not having the chance to have a family. That is just something I can't accept about my journey. It's something I don't want to accept.
Why do others have it so easy? Why do some people get their dream walk and others don't? Some people's walk is made easier because someone is walking with them; helping them. Others walk alone. I don't think it's fair or right. Some people walk a broken road and some's are paved in gold. I would love to know where my journey will lead, but I know no one can say for certain. I'm trying to enjoy it as much I can, but I just worry I guess. I worry my journey will not lead me where I always thought and hoped I would go.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Like or Not
I was out the other night with MA and some friends. I forget what we were talking about but MA goes "You know we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, right?" This is where I got pissy. I told him ya and why he was asking me that, because I was offended. I haven't been going around telling people we're dating. I wasn't being touchy/feely or clingy, so where did this come from? Well, we've been hanging around some new people and they have asked him.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.
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