That Christmas Feeling

Its coming on christmas

Theyre cutting down trees

Theyre putting up reindeer

And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a riverI could skate away on

But it dont snow here

It stays pretty green

Im going to make a lot of money

Then Im going to quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me

You know, he put me at ease

And he loved me so naughty

Made me weak in the knees

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

Im so hard to handle

Im selfish and Im sad

Now Ive gone and lost the best baby

That I ever had

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Oh I wish I had a river

I made my baby say goodbye

The Missing

I'm not sure if I've talked about Mystery on this thing. I just can't recall, but he's the guy who I dated for a couple years, who I moved to LA for, and who broke my heart. It wasn't all his fault I know, but it still broke all the same. We wanted different things blah blah...the usual. And I don't miss the relationship. I mean, I wouldn't get back together with him...not even after all this time. We still want different thing.
I do miss the friendship though. I do miss the love. Now, I could rattle on and on about the things I don't miss with Mystery and trust me the list would be long, but he was my best friend and if his feelings were real, which I hope they were since mine were, then it was great. It's been a long time we've been apart now. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime considering everything I've been thru since then. But, as I was saying, I don't want to be with him. I don't miss being in a relationship with him...I miss the warmth he gave me.
I miss having someone to love and someone who loves me. A lot of people want to be in relationships for different reasons. They want security, they want someone so they won't be alone, they want someone to fix their toilet when it breaks. I like to think I've never wanted to be with someone for those reasons. I want to be with someone because I want to share myself with someone. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to be that intertwined with someone. To know what someone else is thinking. To care about someone else before yourself. To put someone else first; not out of fear but out of caring.
I miss knowing that to someone else I'm important. It's different with your family. Of course I know my family thinks I'm important to them, but they're the best family in the world so that's a given. I mean, to just one person on the whole entire planet, your specific happiness is what matters all the time. Yes, once again my parents would say my happiness is what matters to them all the time, but to anyone who knows what I'm talking about...you know what I mean.
I don't know anymore. I don't miss Mystery...I don't really. I don't try and talk to him because I don't see the point. The past is the past, right? All I'm saying, is that what I want is to feel that love again. Not with Mystery...but with someone else...and maybe it'll even be better becasue maybe the next person won't be such a doucebag like Mystery was.

The Journey

Some say that life is a journey; it's not important where you started or where you going, but it's the journey that matters. Sometimes I think that the twists and turns of my life are just part of my journey. But then why does it seem like some others' journey is seemingly easier than mine? Why does it seem that the stops and bumps that I've had on my road are longer and bigger than some others?
I would love to be someone who appreciates the ride, but in all honesty...if it doesn't end up in a place I imagine being happy what's the point? I don't understand why people I knew in college are now married with kids, while I'm still single and looking for someone who will stay with me. Now, I don't necessarily want to be married at this exact place in my life, but it would be more than nice to have someone who at least thinks of growing old with me.
I see college friends who are now lawyers and doctors and happy because their lives are headed down a sure path. I see myself kicking rocks and shuffling my feet about what my career should be. Sometimes it feels like my journey isn't a line moving forward, but a circle that just leads me back to the same place.
Now, I know I should be grateful for all that I've had and have; and I am. It's just that without certain parts of my life being "fulfilled" I don't feel complete. I feel like a failure. I know I'm still young, and maybe it's just my female nature, but I think about what if I don't get married. I think about not having the chance to have a family. That is just something I can't accept about my journey. It's something I don't want to accept.
Why do others have it so easy? Why do some people get their dream walk and others don't? Some people's walk is made easier because someone is walking with them; helping them. Others walk alone. I don't think it's fair or right. Some people walk a broken road and some's are paved in gold. I would love to know where my journey will lead, but I know no one can say for certain. I'm trying to enjoy it as much I can, but I just worry I guess. I worry my journey will not lead me where I always thought and hoped I would go.

Like or Not

I was out the other night with MA and some friends. I forget what we were talking about but MA goes "You know we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, right?" This is where I got pissy. I told him ya and why he was asking me that, because I was offended. I haven't been going around telling people we're dating. I wasn't being touchy/feely or clingy, so where did this come from? Well, we've been hanging around some new people and they have asked him.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.

Tossing and Turning in My Head

I turned on the car radio this morning in search of the perfect song. Yesterday, I woke up with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in my head...a very hope filled song if I do say so. Today was different. I needed a song to weep with me but also make me feel better...a lot to ask from a 3 minute ode to pop culture.

I didn't sleep well last night. My head, which is directly connected to my heart, was uneasy. Neither could be settled. I kept waking up thinking I had forgotten to take my contacts out, brush my teeth, that people were sleeping over. What's the problem you ask.

Last night, I went out to dinner (hibachi) and then to a couple bars with my friends. By many accounts, I would consider myself Elaine: always the only girl in a group of funny guys, capable of dancing without caring who's watching, quirky, fun, and at times a bit neurotic. Last night was no exception. To make a long story short, this guy who will be referred to as MA, I felt started acting differently to me once his friend from work arrived at one of the bars we were at.

A little history of MA and me. It has been rocky and complicated, but it has also been fun and I'm attached to him in a way that is hard to explain. His friends are now my friends, his family has been my family since my real family is far away. He has been the cause of many tears, much headache and grief, but has also been there when I had no one. I always say he was there when I felt I was drowning...holding my head above water. He is the classic story of a boy who is just not ready to be in the kind of relationship I want...or any relationship at all really. We, therefore, are friends who hover over occasionally more.

Anyway, MA has told me that this co-worker is not a threat, but MA has been known to lie to me before and my insecurity with our lack-of-definition + endearment of him lead to an unsteady soul. I want to believe that he won't hurt me, but more than that I don't want him to hurt me. I don't want him to meet anyone and change our dynamic. I don't want to lose him.

I started thinking, maybe he wasn't acting differntly...maybe it was me. I will admit I had been drinking...but I had stopped and was not drunk at all. My insecurity does lead me to think, and probably act, differently though. I smile less, stare more. My inner detective starts going into hyperdrive noticing everything to the point that it even annoys me.

I struggle with what to do. Do I ignore it and trust? Do I confront and risk a fight that I would not win in any scenario?...as crazy never wins. Do I pull away from MA in general causing unthinkable, seemingly insurmountable amounts of pain but protecting my heart? Or do I let it be and trust that even if he doesn't want to be WITH me, he cares enough about me to not drop me from his life? Which fear/reality is worse? Can I handle it? I just don't know.

Me: 0 Fear: 1

Fears

Ok, so this is going to be a strange first post because it's not really going to explain myself or tell anything about me but since this blog is titled "My crazyness on Paper", I feel it fits.

After transferring over from myspace, I've decided to share one of my non-posts/posts. Awhile ago I wrote a blog about fears but never published it. I was worried that someone might get concerned about my words and not understand that this blank post space is a sort of diary for me and once put down, helps me understand and deal with complicated feelings and matters. The post was about fears; about what I was scared of.

To put it simply: I'm afraid of people leaving. I'm afraid of what happens when people leave me. Of how I feel and what I think. Never more present was this fear than recently when I came face-to-face with it. At first, I thought it was jealousy but it wasn't. I was simply afraid of being left.

Now, I understand that people move on, life happens, and things change. I just don't understand why that means that people leave. I don't understand how some people can move on so quickly and seem to forget others. I don't understan why leaving me seems so easy.

I lost my bestfriend a couple years ago, and I'm still dealing with that. I don't know if I'll ever really understand or be ok with it, but there's nothing I can do about it. The people who I hold dear are precious to me but I'm scared that they'll leave. Be it physically or emotionally, I don't want to be left. Sometimes I feel like people are always leaving me. Sometimes I feel like all I have is me....and I hate that.

And then I think that it's me. That maybe I did something or said something, or didn't do something or didn't say something. Maybe I deserve to be left. Maybe this is karma or something like that.

I've never been the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest person...but I never claimed to be. I know that I'm stubborn, short, and can be a bitch. Does that mean people leave? Are THOSE the reasons? I have faults, sure, but who doesn't? I try to be a good person and be considerate and nice. I try to think of my friends and family and love them as best I can. I don't try to make people leave...I don't think. Why then? Why do they leave? And why am I so scared that they will?