I was out the other night with MA and some friends. I forget what we were talking about but MA goes "You know we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, right?" This is where I got pissy. I told him ya and why he was asking me that, because I was offended. I haven't been going around telling people we're dating. I wasn't being touchy/feely or clingy, so where did this come from? Well, we've been hanging around some new people and they have asked him.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.
Listen buddy, I don't need you to remind me of the fact that you're not my boyfriend. I realize that DAILY.
Anyway, then he was like "ok, because you know you're my #1 girl to go out with..." Um, is that all I am...a drinking buddy? Because I would really hope that you think of me as more than just a girl to hang out with when you want to go out to the bar. "Yes, of course I do. You're my #1 girl. I don't think of you as just a drinking buddy." Good, because you're someone who when things happen I feel I could call for help and I hope you think of me the same way. "I do." Ok then because it really bothers me to think that you just see me as someone who you hang out with because you're bored or no one else will go out. "I don't. You're not that. I would call you if I needed help."
Then, I was telling our guy friend about this convo and he starts telling me that all of our friends don't understand why we're not together. They all think we could be like the best couple ever, but we just won't put a label on it. I told him that if MA wanted to be more than he knows I would but that I can't put all my hopes in that. I told him that I'm looking for something amazing and I don't know if MA is. He then told me that he hasn't seen MA even try to hook up with anyone else in like 8 months. When they ask him why he apparently responds "because of Q." Q being me.
In one aspect, it makes me feel really good to hear that MA isn't looking and trying to hook up with other girls. In another aspect though, if he's not trying to be with anyone else because of me...why aren't we together?
I've already kinda explained previously that our history is complicated. MA has been the cause of a lot of heartache for me, and part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't want to be with me because he's afraid he'll hurt me again and he doesn't want to be the cause of anymore pain. I'm probably giving him too much credit, right? Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship period...but it's obvious that he also isn't looking for some random girl to sleep with. I don't understand. Maybe he sees that we could be really great and isn't ready for that. Maybe he sees that we are really great now and doesn't want to do anything to mess that up. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants so he's doing nothing. And maybe he's waiting for something better to come along; someone better.
I've always thought it was amazing how a single person can be the cause of sucking all self-esteem from your body. I've never claimed to be the prettiest, the funniest, the smartest, the best dressed, or the nicest person. I realize that I'm short, built like a gymnast with strong, but short, legs, regular boobs, I don't wear hip clothes or funky jewelry. I am intelligent but also naive from growing up in Ohio where you always call people Mr. and Mrs. or Ms. But this whole thing does make me think that maybe he is looking for someone better but doesn't want to hurt me with someone who is a fly-by-the nighter.
I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but neither is he. I like his imperfections. He's not the best looking guy, but I think he's attractive. He makes me laugh and I don't worry about as many things when he's around. He doesn't take life too seriously, but can get very serious very quickly. He is friends with different groups of people, all of whom I like. I'm happy I'm now friends with those people because they are good, kind, and decent people in LA. I want to be more apart of that...but I'm not going to push someone into wanting to be with me. I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. That's what I want. It doesn't seem like it would be hard but it is. I want to be needed and I want to need someone. I want him to be that someone but he won't let me.
1 comment:
i doubt you'll take this advice, but i think you need to spend some time apart from him. no talking no seeing. That number 1 girl bullshit is bullshit. a halfsies relationship is bullshit. You guys either need to be ok not dating or ok dating; not this pseudo middle ground. Look, i know something about this. I have entirely too many female friends who I've had, at one time or another, sexual feelings toward. But, because I'm me, I threw those out because I'm ok with just being friends, albeit close friends. but friends. I can go away and I don't worry that they're not going to be gone when I come back. and vica versa. Instead, you two are behaving like a couple without being a couple. You need to spend some time apart. no talking no seeing. He needs to decide if you're friends and actually not boyfriend girlfriend. and most importantly, you need to let him know that you're not ok with how things are. Despite pretending to be ok with it, i don't think you are at all. And i think he needs to know that. You need to think of yourself first. As of right now, if he's just a friend, he is bringing you more grief and unhappiness than a friend ever should. It hurts me to see you unhappy like this. but i think you're perpetuating it by not setting ground rules with him. If you want to be dating him, tell him. If you just want to be friends, tell him. And you shouldn't feel weird going out with other guys. you shouldn't feel weird not seeing him for a week. friends don't see each other every day, but they are still friends. And if he doesn't want to date you, you need to get past that. You nee to say, fine, if you don't want to date me, that's fine. Its not me; its just how things are. Again, I know something about this. every girl I've asked out recently hasn't been on the same page as me. And I've gotten over it; and it feels good; and its still good to hang out with them and care about them. You need ground rules and you need to spend time away from him. Everyone needs space--married couples, good friends, old frinds, new friends--everyone. please. it hurts me to see you unhappy. but you need to do something about it. This situation is clearly not ideal and its not working
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