I find Feb. to be a hard month for me. In highschool, I referred to it as "the Bad Month"; a month where anything that could go wrong would. I still feel that sense of dread around the end of Jan. Part of it stems from the fact that growing up in the Midwest, Feb. is a very grey, morose, dreary month. It's usually a little to warm to snow, but not sunny enough to shine. The world is grey and everyone is waiting for spring and flowers and life to come.
In California, Feb. is different. Right now it's in the 70s, sunny, and like June in OH. That doesn't mean my feelings for this month have changed thought. It's effect on my is indifferent. The dread of events and feelings hold tight through all 28/29 days.
In highschool, I remember during this one month I got tendonitis, broke up with my boyfriend, and almost got a ticket. After college, during Feb. my ex-bf had his new gf and decided that we couldn't be friends anymore. Last year was by far the worst events for Feb., but I'm too weak and still heartbroken to get into them.
The fact that Valentine's Day is during this month is some sort of cruel, twisted, cosmic joke really. More people are alone, or in a bad relationship, than are in a healthy, stable, committed union. It's one day out of the year that you want someone to care about you, and if you don't have anyone like that then the reality that you may never sinks in deeper. It's stupid, and everyone knows it. If you love someone, one day shouldn't matter. You shouldn't have to give them flowers or candy or go to dinner just because Hallmark demands it. If you are not loved, the emptiness of watching couples, old and young, of looking down at your own hand not intertwined with anyone else's...can be more than you can handle. Maybe this is why this holiday is in Feb.; because it's part of the bad month.
Of course I've had boyfriends for Valentine's Day, but never liked the holiday even then. It all wraps up into this month that makes me very scared. I try to race through the month with friends and family member's birthdays...and there are a lot of them. My mom, best friend's, and most of my boyfriend's birthdays have all been in Feb. Should I be taking this as a sign? And if so, what is it trying to tell me? I have no clue, but very much like the groundhog...I just wanna crawl back into my hole and wait for spring.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
WTF
I've been thinking recently...mostly because I watched Grey's Anatomy last night...but whatever:
Why are we really the only species who care about each other for our entire lives? If you think about other animals, they don't seem to mind being seperated from their parents. You typically take a puppy away from it's mom when it's like 2months old. They don't seem to remember or be sad. What biological, or psychological, thing makes us need people? And then, when they leave, what makes it so hard for us?
It's not fiar that we love so much only to have it taken away. It's not fair that when people leave or pass away that our brains remember the way they smelled, or laughed, or said our name. Why do we feel that someone else "completes" us? What good does it do the human race to be so connected to someone that when they die we feel as though we've died? How does it make sense that no matter how old we may be we will always need our mom and dad? How does that help humans survive? Why is it that crying is something that, yes other animals to it do but not to the extent we do, is part of life and death? How has evolution made us better than other animals and yet it has come with the price of feelings and emotions? Why do we even have feelings and emotions? They don't serve any purpose to living or surviving really.
Yes, we are pack animals and used to being in herds so yes we seek groups. But, no one ever figured out why when group members leave...we can never truly replace them. I mean, it's mean when you think about it.
Death is a part of life...but without any attachment or emotions it would just be a thing that happens. That's not how it is though. There's a reason there are stages of grief. It's because it's complex and our brains and bodies can't deal with the fact that we've been separated from someone.
The feeling of having your heart broken; of being torn...well, there's just no logical reason that we should be able to have those emotions. They serve no function. They have no reason to being alive. And yet, I feel them everyday. I feel scared every day. I feel joy and love everyday. And I also feel broken and sad every day. And no one can tell me why.
Psychology may not be a physical science. You can't hold it or put it in a test tube and light it on fire to see what color it turns. It's a social science because it's not supposed to be there. The earth, and all it's creatures don't need to analyze conversations and feelings. But we do for some reason. For some reason, we are all crazy. We have the crazy need to be connected to each other, even though our physical well-being gets no benefit from it. Yes, we need to procreate and it's a natural urge to reproduce to keep the human race going. But, why do we stay? Why are my grandparents married for over 50 some years? It's because they love each other. It makes no sense and they're crazy...but it's what everyone wants to be. We are all crazy.
Which leads me to my next question. If this is both our blessing and our curse, did it come from God or the devil? The ability to love and be loved definitely sounds pretty Goddy, but the ability to feel empty, lonely, and broken sounds kinda like the evil one's doings. I don't know myself...I'm just saying...why?
Why are we really the only species who care about each other for our entire lives? If you think about other animals, they don't seem to mind being seperated from their parents. You typically take a puppy away from it's mom when it's like 2months old. They don't seem to remember or be sad. What biological, or psychological, thing makes us need people? And then, when they leave, what makes it so hard for us?
It's not fiar that we love so much only to have it taken away. It's not fair that when people leave or pass away that our brains remember the way they smelled, or laughed, or said our name. Why do we feel that someone else "completes" us? What good does it do the human race to be so connected to someone that when they die we feel as though we've died? How does it make sense that no matter how old we may be we will always need our mom and dad? How does that help humans survive? Why is it that crying is something that, yes other animals to it do but not to the extent we do, is part of life and death? How has evolution made us better than other animals and yet it has come with the price of feelings and emotions? Why do we even have feelings and emotions? They don't serve any purpose to living or surviving really.
Yes, we are pack animals and used to being in herds so yes we seek groups. But, no one ever figured out why when group members leave...we can never truly replace them. I mean, it's mean when you think about it.
Death is a part of life...but without any attachment or emotions it would just be a thing that happens. That's not how it is though. There's a reason there are stages of grief. It's because it's complex and our brains and bodies can't deal with the fact that we've been separated from someone.
The feeling of having your heart broken; of being torn...well, there's just no logical reason that we should be able to have those emotions. They serve no function. They have no reason to being alive. And yet, I feel them everyday. I feel scared every day. I feel joy and love everyday. And I also feel broken and sad every day. And no one can tell me why.
Psychology may not be a physical science. You can't hold it or put it in a test tube and light it on fire to see what color it turns. It's a social science because it's not supposed to be there. The earth, and all it's creatures don't need to analyze conversations and feelings. But we do for some reason. For some reason, we are all crazy. We have the crazy need to be connected to each other, even though our physical well-being gets no benefit from it. Yes, we need to procreate and it's a natural urge to reproduce to keep the human race going. But, why do we stay? Why are my grandparents married for over 50 some years? It's because they love each other. It makes no sense and they're crazy...but it's what everyone wants to be. We are all crazy.
Which leads me to my next question. If this is both our blessing and our curse, did it come from God or the devil? The ability to love and be loved definitely sounds pretty Goddy, but the ability to feel empty, lonely, and broken sounds kinda like the evil one's doings. I don't know myself...I'm just saying...why?
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