Thank God It's Not a Leap Year

I find Feb. to be a hard month for me. In highschool, I referred to it as "the Bad Month"; a month where anything that could go wrong would. I still feel that sense of dread around the end of Jan. Part of it stems from the fact that growing up in the Midwest, Feb. is a very grey, morose, dreary month. It's usually a little to warm to snow, but not sunny enough to shine. The world is grey and everyone is waiting for spring and flowers and life to come.
In California, Feb. is different. Right now it's in the 70s, sunny, and like June in OH. That doesn't mean my feelings for this month have changed thought. It's effect on my is indifferent. The dread of events and feelings hold tight through all 28/29 days.
In highschool, I remember during this one month I got tendonitis, broke up with my boyfriend, and almost got a ticket. After college, during Feb. my ex-bf had his new gf and decided that we couldn't be friends anymore. Last year was by far the worst events for Feb., but I'm too weak and still heartbroken to get into them.
The fact that Valentine's Day is during this month is some sort of cruel, twisted, cosmic joke really. More people are alone, or in a bad relationship, than are in a healthy, stable, committed union. It's one day out of the year that you want someone to care about you, and if you don't have anyone like that then the reality that you may never sinks in deeper. It's stupid, and everyone knows it. If you love someone, one day shouldn't matter. You shouldn't have to give them flowers or candy or go to dinner just because Hallmark demands it. If you are not loved, the emptiness of watching couples, old and young, of looking down at your own hand not intertwined with anyone else's...can be more than you can handle. Maybe this is why this holiday is in Feb.; because it's part of the bad month.
Of course I've had boyfriends for Valentine's Day, but never liked the holiday even then. It all wraps up into this month that makes me very scared. I try to race through the month with friends and family member's birthdays...and there are a lot of them. My mom, best friend's, and most of my boyfriend's birthdays have all been in Feb. Should I be taking this as a sign? And if so, what is it trying to tell me? I have no clue, but very much like the groundhog...I just wanna crawl back into my hole and wait for spring.

Fears

Ok, so this is going to be a strange first post because it's not really going to explain myself or tell anything about me but since this blog is titled "My crazyness on Paper", I feel it fits.

After transferring over from myspace, I've decided to share one of my non-posts/posts. Awhile ago I wrote a blog about fears but never published it. I was worried that someone might get concerned about my words and not understand that this blank post space is a sort of diary for me and once put down, helps me understand and deal with complicated feelings and matters. The post was about fears; about what I was scared of.

To put it simply: I'm afraid of people leaving. I'm afraid of what happens when people leave me. Of how I feel and what I think. Never more present was this fear than recently when I came face-to-face with it. At first, I thought it was jealousy but it wasn't. I was simply afraid of being left.

Now, I understand that people move on, life happens, and things change. I just don't understand why that means that people leave. I don't understand how some people can move on so quickly and seem to forget others. I don't understan why leaving me seems so easy.

I lost my bestfriend a couple years ago, and I'm still dealing with that. I don't know if I'll ever really understand or be ok with it, but there's nothing I can do about it. The people who I hold dear are precious to me but I'm scared that they'll leave. Be it physically or emotionally, I don't want to be left. Sometimes I feel like people are always leaving me. Sometimes I feel like all I have is me....and I hate that.

And then I think that it's me. That maybe I did something or said something, or didn't do something or didn't say something. Maybe I deserve to be left. Maybe this is karma or something like that.

I've never been the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest person...but I never claimed to be. I know that I'm stubborn, short, and can be a bitch. Does that mean people leave? Are THOSE the reasons? I have faults, sure, but who doesn't? I try to be a good person and be considerate and nice. I try to think of my friends and family and love them as best I can. I don't try to make people leave...I don't think. Why then? Why do they leave? And why am I so scared that they will?