Tossing and Turning in My Head

I turned on the car radio this morning in search of the perfect song. Yesterday, I woke up with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in my head...a very hope filled song if I do say so. Today was different. I needed a song to weep with me but also make me feel better...a lot to ask from a 3 minute ode to pop culture.

I didn't sleep well last night. My head, which is directly connected to my heart, was uneasy. Neither could be settled. I kept waking up thinking I had forgotten to take my contacts out, brush my teeth, that people were sleeping over. What's the problem you ask.

Last night, I went out to dinner (hibachi) and then to a couple bars with my friends. By many accounts, I would consider myself Elaine: always the only girl in a group of funny guys, capable of dancing without caring who's watching, quirky, fun, and at times a bit neurotic. Last night was no exception. To make a long story short, this guy who will be referred to as MA, I felt started acting differently to me once his friend from work arrived at one of the bars we were at.

A little history of MA and me. It has been rocky and complicated, but it has also been fun and I'm attached to him in a way that is hard to explain. His friends are now my friends, his family has been my family since my real family is far away. He has been the cause of many tears, much headache and grief, but has also been there when I had no one. I always say he was there when I felt I was drowning...holding my head above water. He is the classic story of a boy who is just not ready to be in the kind of relationship I want...or any relationship at all really. We, therefore, are friends who hover over occasionally more.

Anyway, MA has told me that this co-worker is not a threat, but MA has been known to lie to me before and my insecurity with our lack-of-definition + endearment of him lead to an unsteady soul. I want to believe that he won't hurt me, but more than that I don't want him to hurt me. I don't want him to meet anyone and change our dynamic. I don't want to lose him.

I started thinking, maybe he wasn't acting differntly...maybe it was me. I will admit I had been drinking...but I had stopped and was not drunk at all. My insecurity does lead me to think, and probably act, differently though. I smile less, stare more. My inner detective starts going into hyperdrive noticing everything to the point that it even annoys me.

I struggle with what to do. Do I ignore it and trust? Do I confront and risk a fight that I would not win in any scenario?...as crazy never wins. Do I pull away from MA in general causing unthinkable, seemingly insurmountable amounts of pain but protecting my heart? Or do I let it be and trust that even if he doesn't want to be WITH me, he cares enough about me to not drop me from his life? Which fear/reality is worse? Can I handle it? I just don't know.

Me: 0 Fear: 1

Fears

Ok, so this is going to be a strange first post because it's not really going to explain myself or tell anything about me but since this blog is titled "My crazyness on Paper", I feel it fits.

After transferring over from myspace, I've decided to share one of my non-posts/posts. Awhile ago I wrote a blog about fears but never published it. I was worried that someone might get concerned about my words and not understand that this blank post space is a sort of diary for me and once put down, helps me understand and deal with complicated feelings and matters. The post was about fears; about what I was scared of.

To put it simply: I'm afraid of people leaving. I'm afraid of what happens when people leave me. Of how I feel and what I think. Never more present was this fear than recently when I came face-to-face with it. At first, I thought it was jealousy but it wasn't. I was simply afraid of being left.

Now, I understand that people move on, life happens, and things change. I just don't understand why that means that people leave. I don't understand how some people can move on so quickly and seem to forget others. I don't understan why leaving me seems so easy.

I lost my bestfriend a couple years ago, and I'm still dealing with that. I don't know if I'll ever really understand or be ok with it, but there's nothing I can do about it. The people who I hold dear are precious to me but I'm scared that they'll leave. Be it physically or emotionally, I don't want to be left. Sometimes I feel like people are always leaving me. Sometimes I feel like all I have is me....and I hate that.

And then I think that it's me. That maybe I did something or said something, or didn't do something or didn't say something. Maybe I deserve to be left. Maybe this is karma or something like that.

I've never been the smartest, funniest, prettiest, nicest person...but I never claimed to be. I know that I'm stubborn, short, and can be a bitch. Does that mean people leave? Are THOSE the reasons? I have faults, sure, but who doesn't? I try to be a good person and be considerate and nice. I try to think of my friends and family and love them as best I can. I don't try to make people leave...I don't think. Why then? Why do they leave? And why am I so scared that they will?